KEEPING SCORE
I put a lock on myself
‘cause I was burglarized early
it takes the shape of a death
but something new grows
when people get in my face
and want the whole of my story
I practice way too much grace
I know the threshold
if I told you I was angry
you’d tell me how I should change
told you I was injured
you told me not to feel pain
well, I’m not seventeen
I’m not seventeen anymore
but I’ve been keeping score
you saw the face of a kid
and felt a threat to your grown self
everyone saw what you did
tore down a young girl
I see these women out here
raising their boys like messiahs
but all they model is fear
creates the same world
and if I tell you that I’m angry
you tell me how I should change
tell you that I’m injured
you tell me not to feel pain
well, you’re not seventeen
you’re not seventeen anymore
but I’ve been keeping score
if I tell you that I’m angry
you tell me how I should change
tell you that I’m injured
you tell me not to feel pain
hey, we’re not seventeen
we’re not seventeen anymore
but I’ve been keeping score
I’ve been keeping score
DRAIN
it’s a long game, it’s a long drain
I didn’t see it going down
I’ve got my own mind, I take my own time
it should be said, I own my sound
but now you’re wearing my story
some kind of costume of fate
and how are you living like this?
you get along until you try to fight it
and how are you living like this?
you tag along until you can’t deny it
it’s a long drain, it’s a long drain
it’s a long drain, it’s a long drain
I tried to know you, I tried to show you
the parts of me I’m working on
I’ve got my own shit, I’ve got my own fit
it’s often said I don’t belong here
but now you’re wearing my story
dressing it up as your own
and how are you living like this?
you get along until you can’t deny it
and how are you living like this?
you tag along until you try to fight it
it’s a long drain, it’s a long drain
it’s a long drain, it’s a long drain
I bet you told ‘em you wrote it
I bet you told ‘em you write
I bet you told ‘em you’d know it
like you’d know your own child
I bet you thanked all the younger
versions of who you once were
I bet you said something like this:
“this is all for her”
how are you living like this?
you get along until you can’t deny it
said, how are you living like this?
you tag along until you try to fight it
you drag along until you try to swipe it
it’s a long drain, it’s a long drain
it’s a long drain, it’s a long drain
it’s a long drain, it’s a long drain
it’s a long drain, it’s a long drain
DRIPPING SILVER
maybe nothing ever changes
it’s just a spectrum of the same
maybe some of us know danger
before we ever know our names
I don’t understand the language
that tries to misunderstand me
they’re just looking for a bandage
in a triage reality
“make the most of who you are”
I’ll make the most of who I was
“make the most of second chances”
because one was not enough
“make sure everyone you love knows just the way you really feel”
you’re dripping silver
I’m trying to stay afloat down here
but best of luck up on that cloud
278 numbers
in my phone last time I checked
sometimes I can’t help but wonder
if I can still call up the dead
I don’t understand the language
of the living all the time
they just want it to be managed
they think it makes them more alive
“make the most of who you are”
I’ll make the most of who I was
“make the most of second chances”
because one was not enough
“make sure everyone you love knows just the way you really feel”
you’re dripping silver
I’m trying to stay afloat down here
but best of luck up on that cloud
if you wanna break it
I’ll show up for you
if you wanna take it
I’ll show up for you
if you wanna fake it
I can’t afford another lie
so, go easy on the walls you erect
easy on the things you expect
easy on the on the warrior talk
easy on the input you block
“make the most of who you are”
I’ll make the most of who I was
“make the most of second chances”
because one was not enough
“make sure everyone you love knows just the way you really feel”
you’re dripping silver
I’m trying to stay afloat down here
but best of luck up on that cloud
on that cloud
on that cloud
on that cloud
MELT
no, I have never felt the way they look
and I don’t have that friend who grabs the book
the little things, the gestures of the known
those are reserved for fawns who get the roles
inside I just
melt
down
always the one who’s making too much sound
melt
down
just let me go, I’ll show my own self out
I’ll fade away
they let me in once, let me hang around
my songs were dark, my amp was way too loud
she said she liked the one she thought was his
that’s how they punch you, sugar over fists
sometimes I just
melt
down
always the one who’s making too much sound
melt
down
just let me burn, I’ll wear my own self out
I’ll fade away
I wanna know what makes it so
I wanna know, but I bet I won’t
I wanna know, was I marked at birth?
I wanna know, why does it hurt?
melt
down
always the one who’s making too much sound
melt
down
just let me go, I’ll show my own self out
I’ll fade away
melt
down
always the one who’s making too much sound
melt
down
just let me burn, I’ll wear my own self out
I’ll fade away
I’ll fade away
NEW
we don’t have anything new
you have your disappointment
I have my time-stamped memories of you
it was always going to be like this
we didn’t have anything then
I had my will to survive
you hated all your friends, and then one died
it was always going to be like this
I loved you not because of you
but because of me
I loved what I believed was true
just a fantasy
but you were always you
and I was always me
we don’t have anything now
you just complained for 10 years
I tried to stare down my self-doubt
it was always going to be like this
I loved you not because of you
but because of me
I loved what I believed was true
just a fantasy
but you were always you
and I was always me
this part is new, this part is new
this part is new, this part is new
this part is new, this part is new
this part is new, this part is new
I loved you not because of you
but because of me
I loved what I believed was true
just a fantasy
I loved you right up to the edge
of your apathy
but you were always you
and I was always me
yeah, you were always you
and I was always me
we can’t have anything more
my life is fragile these days
you have the hardness brought on by war
it was always going to be like this
X
they will tell you you’re too young
before they tell you you’re too old
never mind what they have done
if you respond, you’ll be too bold
I remember learning what the world was
before it beat me up
I remember something in the water
and I swallowed every cup
lead the way, but don’t ever say we gave you nothing
lead the way, but don’t take away our famous nothing
I told you; I like you
but I knew everything before you did
I told you; I love you
but I know everything, you’re just a kid
goodbye Steve and goodbye faith
they died together in early May
never mind the grief in waves
the guarded hearts will not betray
I remember learning what the world was
in a shitty purple room
I remember going deaf, an honor
and I’ll do it again soon
lead the way, but don’t ever say we gave you nothing
lead the way, but don’t take away our famous nothing
I told you; I like you
but I knew everything before you did
I told you; I love you
but I know everything, you’re just a kid
if you take away the pain, you are changing everything
and I told you
if you give a thing a name, you are changing everything
and I told you
lead the way, but don’t ever say we gave you nothing
lead the way, but don’t take away our famous nothing
oh, lead the way, but don’t ever say we gave you nothing
lead the way, but don’t take away our precious nothing
I told you; I like you
but I knew everything before you did
I told you; I love you
but I know everything, you’re just a kid
I told you; I like you
but I knew everything before you did
I told you; I love you
but I know everything, you’re just a kid
MIDHEAVEN
no one tells you what your role will be
no one tells you the trajectory
you are born and you die with the stars in the sky
and somewhere in between you are free
I arrived with a song in my mind
I arrived as a mutable sign
but if you cross my way, I’ll remember the day
and somewhere underneath is my spine
someone said why I can’t simply play dead
someone said why the noise lives in my head
I don’t know what I believe
but blame midheaven if I bare teeth
blame midheaven if I bare
I get loud when I feel most afraid
I rise up and I make a big shape
if the bear lives in you, I will try to pursue
and somewhere underneath I’ll feel brave
someone said why I can’t simply play dead
someone said why the noise lives in my head
I don’t know what I believe
but blame midheaven if I bare teeth
blame midheaven if I bare teeth
someone said why I can’t simply play dead
someone said why the noise lives in my head
I don’t know what I believe
but blame midheaven if I bare
someone said why I can’t simply play dead
someone said why the noise lives in my head
I don’t know what I believe
but blame midheaven if I bare teeth
blame midheaven if I bare teeth
IMPERFECT
I exist on the outside
it’s a feeling, a truth, and a clear map at this point
no one cares if you’re alright
they just tend to the gardens of their own nostalgia, old joys
it’s not mine to fuck with their lens
it’s not mine to tell them they don’t really like all their friends
I say “go where it’s warm”
then only go where it’s only freezing
“go where it’s warm”
then silently lay there seething
“go where it’s warm”
then try to ignore my bleeding
I’ve been imperfect for all of my days
it’s a tragedy to try
not because you will fail, but because they’ll all hope you will
so you hold yourself upright
long enough to complete the tasks and withstand their ill will
it’s not mine to fuck with their lens
it’s not mine to tell them they should have spent more time on them
I say “go where it’s warm”
then only go where it’s only freezing
“go where it’s warm”
then silently lay there seething
“go where it’s warm”
then try to ignore my bleeding
I’ve been imperfect for all of my days
I can’t remember sometimes
it’s a lot to hold on to
I can’t remember sometimes
do as I say, not as I do
I say “go where it’s warm”
then only go where it’s only freezing
“go where it’s warm”
then silently lay there seething
“go where it’s warm”
then try to ignore my bleeding
I’ve been imperfect for all of my days
I’ve been imperfect for all of my days
I’ve been imperfect for all of my days
FOUND
it’s a porchlight at the dead of midnight
it’s a melody with fractured insight
it’s the only faith I live my life by
it’s a walk with death without the terror
it’s a practice run with every error
it’s the simplest and truest bearer
this is where I found you
this is where it was
this is what I’m bound to
this perfect kind of love
the only things beneath us
were the air and sky above
and the only complications
were the dull civilian stuff
back when enough was not enough
back when enough was not enough
it’s the corduroy instead of denim
it’s embroidery expressing venom
if they want to laugh at you, just let them
it’s a silver print of Dear Departed
it’s a witness to the brokenhearted
if you want to live, just go get started
this is where I found you
this is where it was
this is what I’m bound to
this perfect kind of love
the only things beneath us
were the air and sky above
and the only complications
were the dull civilian stuff
back when enough was not enough
back when enough was not enough
it’s fleeting now, it’s fleeting now
go run
it’s fleeting now, it’s fleeting now
go run
I know, I know
I know, I know
this is where I found you
this is where it was
this is what I’m bound to
this perfect kind of love
the only things beneath us
were the air and sky above
and the only complications
were the dull civilian stuff
back when enough was not enough
I’ve been too much and not enough
you’ve been too much and not enough
we are enough, we are enough
this is where I found you
this is where I found you
this is where I found
this is where I found you
back when enough was not enough
DEAD & DISCARDED GIRLS
some say god is in the water
not for all of the bad daughters
maybe there’s a place for us
with drier shores and less distrust
all the girls that I grew up with
down the Cape since they were little kids
maybe there’s a place for us
the ones who got the other stuff
maybe there’s a place for us
the blue nails gang, we’re not so tough
what if I told you I was fine
what if I told you I was fine
what if I told you it’s not mine I carry around
but all I’ve heard and all I’ve seen
I carry around
like a much-too-lived-in dream
I carry around
it washes over me
washes over me
washes over
I am from the ocean’s edge
black t-shirts and sacrilege
maybe there’s a place for us
where we survive and warm winds rush
what if I told you I was fine
what if I told you I was fine
what if I told you it’s not mine I carry around
but all I’ve heard and all I’ve seen
I carry around
like a much-too-lived-in dream
I carry around
it washes over me
washes over me
washes o—
there, in the water
there, in the water
some say god is in the water
not for all of the bad daughters
maybe there’s a place for us
with drier shores and less distrust
